The Charmin Bears are on the move!

I guess bears have relatives to visit at the holidays so they’re heading out via the nearest bear airport. So, ORD I guess. (See what I did there?) Apparently the TSA, an equal opportunity employer, is also employing bears as screeners. Now, somewhere along the line, the bears have all become the same color (red and white) and they’ve lost Bill, the oldest kid. Perhaps he’s at boarding school, maybe that’s where they’re all headed.

Dad’s hung up getting wanded, and why THAT’S necessary is anyone’s guess because—hey—no clothes. The TSA bear is giving the butt area a SERIOUS wanding, so we can only presume that there’s a suspicion that Papa Bear is smuggling something where the sun don’t shine. Now the TSA bear has a full uniform, including pants, making the Bear family’s nakedness all the more puzzling. I guess nobody dresses for air travel anymore.

As part of the security scrutiny Papa’s suitcase is opened revealing the ultra-strong, industrial strength shit-tickets. These doggies meet “the highest standards of clean.” Being pragmatic my mind casts about for what those standards might be. Are they ‘clean room’ standards? Given that Charmin has a fair amount of lint in it, I’d say no. Are they ‘operating room’ sterile? Nope. So I suppose the standard is actually: it gets all the shit off of your ass. Which…paper can only do so much folks.

The secret is the DuraClean technology. Are there nanobots involved? No such luck, it’s just an embossed texture. This new version of Charmin cleans your keister really well, and I suppose we should be concerned about the strength of this paper perhaps gumming up the plumbing. Rest assured, Roto-Rooter approves of this new incarnation. There’s even a plunger with the international sign for NO over. There’s also a guarantee, if it clogs, the paper is free. How would one claim this refund? Would you have to send evidence of the clog? Do you have to keep the receipt on the off chance? That’s a lot of science for a product that hasn’t changed much since the dawn of time.