Goldilocks and the Charmin Bears

One day Goldilocks was on a day-hike in the woods just outside of her town. She was pretty far along in her hike when the chili she had eaten the night before started to make itself known in a most unpleasant manner. Goldi began to curse that the park service hadn’t foreseen the need for a few port-a-potties in the woods when she espied a structure further along the path.

Goldi walked towards the hut and saw that it looked very house-like, in the way that things on Gilligan’s Island looked like what they were, but weren’t really functional. After ascertaining that the house was empty, she went in and explored. She poked her head through an uneven doorway and discovered a structure that looked somewhat like a toilet, if toilets were made from twigs. Even more surprising were the toilet rolls hanging from branches that jutted out from the walls.

Goldi availed herself of the ‘facilities’ such as they were. “I even have a choice of paper.” She tried the first one, “It’s strong, but scratchy, very unpleasant.” She tried the second roll, “Gosh, this sure is soft, but it doesn’t seem to be getting the job done.” She looked down and on the floor was a copy of the Wall Street Journal. “That’s weird, but it is a Rupert Murdoch publication…” And it was just right!

Goldi got up and realized that there was no running water and so left to see what else the house had to offer. “I sure am hungry,” she said, and began opening the doors of ‘cupboards’ in what had the appearance of a kitchen. A beehive fell out, dripping honey on the ‘counter’ “Oh, that’s not at all what I’d want to eat.” She said. In the second cupboard was ice cream, although it had melted. “Yuk,” she said moving into the main room of the house. Presumably to rate the furniture.

Suddenly there was a loud rustling outside. Goldi went to a window to see what the ruckus was. A wooden vehicle full of bears had pulled up outside. These weren’t ordinary bears though. They were red and blue. “Holy shit!” she exclaimed, “These bears must have been at a political rally or something.” They started coming towards the door and she ran around trying to decide between escape or hiding.

Leonard, the father bear had his paper under his arm and was shepherding the younger bears in. “Boy! That game was long. Did you like my cha-cha-cha dance at half-time?”

A young female bear, with a big pink bow on her hair responded, “Daddy, you were awesome! I wish we could go to see you every game!”

Goldi didn’t want to wait around and hear any more. She wanted out. As the bears came through their door, she climbed out the window.

Molly, the mother bear looked around her home, “Oh no! Someone’s been in my kitchen!” She moved to clean up the mess that Goldi had made.

“Mama! That’s not all,” young Dylan screamed from the library, “someone made a doody in your magazine basket! EEEEWWWW!”

Molly sighed and picked up her basket in preparation to throw it away, “People are such animals.”