Mega Rolls

This is getting stupid. MEGA rolls?

I was pretty happy with double-rolls. You know, having a roll on the spindle for longer than a couple of hours. But now there are MEGA rolls. We're not at the point of having those enormous jobbies like they have in public restrooms, but these things have the same paper as four regular rolls.

So when does this stop? Already you have to have a special extender to retrofit your regular roll holder, that alone should tell you you're pushing the envelope of normalcy.

I know from personal experience that certain members of the family just can't wrap their heads around removing an old, empty cardboard tube and putting a fresh roll on. I've seen the new roll perched precariously on top of the cardboard tube, on the back of the tank, with one end dipped into the bowl, or even on the edge of the bath tub. Hey, at least he doesn't leave me high and dry (or damp as the case may be.)

But even though some folks are challened in the changing the roll area, is a MEGA roll really the answer? Where do we draw the line? How big can a toilet roll get before North America rejects it as too unwieldy?

I want Fresh Direct!

You know what I never see? I never see Mrs. Bear at the Kroger.

I go about once a week, clutching my coupons and checking out the dented meat for bargains. I see little old ladies and their nurses, I see moms with their whinging kids and I even see bachelors with stacks of frozen goodies and 24-packs of beer. But I don’t see Mrs. Bear, or any of the bears for that matter, roaming around my local Publix.

So this means that either that they don’t really shop at the supermarket, or they have home delivery of groceries!

Now I live in a reasonably metropolitan area, it’s not New York or Toronto, but we do have a very large airport. I figure that if any place is going to have a market that delivers, we’d have one as well. But NO! No market around here delivers. Pizza and Chinese food, but not groceries.

So how is it that the bears have their groceries brought to them in ultimate convenience and luxury? Why can’t I get that same service?
Where the heck is this damn forest anyway? Is it in Central Park? That would at least explain it.

What else is in their weekly shop? Obviously, the Charmin, but do they get honey, berries, nuts and porridge too? What about Chips Ahoy? Or is Mama Bear one of those matriarchs that monitors the crap level of the younger bears?

I used to want to keep up with the Jones’s, but now I’m really coveting the lifestyle of the bears.

There's a limit

The Charmin bears seems to be focused on parsimony when it comes to using the aforementioned paper. I don't know about you, but I really don't want what I'm wiping coming between what I'm wiping it with and my skin.

Why is Papa Bear so cheap when it comes to handing out the squares? Is he influenced by Sheryl Crow? (The singer, not that nasty grackle hanging out by his trash.)

You'd think as a corporate spokesbear that he'd have an ample supply of bog rolls, but there he is, in the can with the kids, segmenting out the tissue like twenty dollar bills.

I suppose it's a dad thing. He's forever lowering the thermostat, turning off lights and grumbling about waste.

I really don't care what he says though. Nine squares isn't going to do it. I need more than that.

As my mom used to say when I was a kid, "Do you eat the damn stuff?" No. I use it to wipe my ass, and I'd like to do a good job of it. Thankyouverymuch.