Bear's Talk!

We've been treated to some updated ads for the Charmin bears. First of all Mama and Papa now talk! Wow. Talking bears. I suppose this is to differentiate them from run-of-the-mill, not blue and red bears. Okay. Check.

They haven't reached the level of Country Crock inane conversation, but it's only a matter of time.

Additionally, the bears are now coffee and espresso drinkers. I guess that explains the shit, that stuff really cleans you out.

Mega Rolls

This is getting stupid. MEGA rolls?

I was pretty happy with double-rolls. You know, having a roll on the spindle for longer than a couple of hours. But now there are MEGA rolls. We're not at the point of having those enormous jobbies like they have in public restrooms, but these things have the same paper as four regular rolls.

So when does this stop? Already you have to have a special extender to retrofit your regular roll holder, that alone should tell you you're pushing the envelope of normalcy.

I know from personal experience that certain members of the family just can't wrap their heads around removing an old, empty cardboard tube and putting a fresh roll on. I've seen the new roll perched precariously on top of the cardboard tube, on the back of the tank, with one end dipped into the bowl, or even on the edge of the bath tub. Hey, at least he doesn't leave me high and dry (or damp as the case may be.)

But even though some folks are challened in the changing the roll area, is a MEGA roll really the answer? Where do we draw the line? How big can a toilet roll get before North America rejects it as too unwieldy?

I want Fresh Direct!

You know what I never see? I never see Mrs. Bear at the Kroger.

I go about once a week, clutching my coupons and checking out the dented meat for bargains. I see little old ladies and their nurses, I see moms with their whinging kids and I even see bachelors with stacks of frozen goodies and 24-packs of beer. But I don’t see Mrs. Bear, or any of the bears for that matter, roaming around my local Publix.

So this means that either that they don’t really shop at the supermarket, or they have home delivery of groceries!

Now I live in a reasonably metropolitan area, it’s not New York or Toronto, but we do have a very large airport. I figure that if any place is going to have a market that delivers, we’d have one as well. But NO! No market around here delivers. Pizza and Chinese food, but not groceries.

So how is it that the bears have their groceries brought to them in ultimate convenience and luxury? Why can’t I get that same service?
Where the heck is this damn forest anyway? Is it in Central Park? That would at least explain it.

What else is in their weekly shop? Obviously, the Charmin, but do they get honey, berries, nuts and porridge too? What about Chips Ahoy? Or is Mama Bear one of those matriarchs that monitors the crap level of the younger bears?

I used to want to keep up with the Jones’s, but now I’m really coveting the lifestyle of the bears.

There's a limit

The Charmin bears seems to be focused on parsimony when it comes to using the aforementioned paper. I don't know about you, but I really don't want what I'm wiping coming between what I'm wiping it with and my skin.

Why is Papa Bear so cheap when it comes to handing out the squares? Is he influenced by Sheryl Crow? (The singer, not that nasty grackle hanging out by his trash.)

You'd think as a corporate spokesbear that he'd have an ample supply of bog rolls, but there he is, in the can with the kids, segmenting out the tissue like twenty dollar bills.

I suppose it's a dad thing. He's forever lowering the thermostat, turning off lights and grumbling about waste.

I really don't care what he says though. Nine squares isn't going to do it. I need more than that.

As my mom used to say when I was a kid, "Do you eat the damn stuff?" No. I use it to wipe my ass, and I'd like to do a good job of it. Thankyouverymuch.

We Shall Overcome

I think the lack of diversity in the Bears’ realm is appalling. Look around, all you see are bears. No other critters of any kind. “But wait!” you might exclaim, “there is a duck.” I’m sure that Leonard (Papa Bear) would be happy to inform you that “One of my best friends is a duck.” We’ve been hearing that pandering crap for years. And just how is this friendship manifest? The duck is offering Leonard a better way to clean shit off of his fur! Why not just have the duck stand outside the bear's cave with his wing out, like those lawn jockeys that one sees in old neighborhoods?

Charmin Bears Al Rescante!

So Papa Bear and the Bear Cub are superheroes. Keeping the world safe from toilet paper on your ass! I feel safer already.

Am I the only one who on the lookout for sexism in commercials? Why is it always Choosy Moms and parenthetically Choosy Dads who choose Jif? Why is it Mom who’s queen of the laundry? Why is it the boys who are the toilet paper sentries? It’s not fair!

I’m sure that Mama Bear and that Prissy Amy Bear could be just as good as the boys at spotting the dreaded “paper bits” on the tail ends of people and of bears. But no, they are stuck back at the cave, more concerned with toilet paper softness than they are with toilet paper strength.

Now, trust me, I understand that softness is important. There’s nothing worse than a chapped ass when you’re trying to get through your day, but I can’t remember the last time I used 400 grit sandpaper in the john.

So the girls represent softness and the boys represent strength, albeit in towel capes.

iPod Playlist

Charmin Bears iPod Playlist

You know, when you go to the Charmin page on the web, (and you really, really should,) it tells you that the youngest cub, Dylan, likes to sing and dance to the “Less is More” song.

First of all, get over the thought of an anthropomorphic bear getting jiggy to a toilet paper commercial. I’ll wait.

Okay, so what else is on that playlist? Here are some ideas:

Wipeout—The Surfaris

Anything by Stain’d

Push It (real good) –Salt n Pepa

Make ‘em Say Ugh—Master P

Smells Like Teen Spirit—Nirvana

Pinch Me—Barenaked Ladies

Running on Empty—Jackson Browne (two jokes!)

Born to Run—Bruce Springsteen

Be my Number Two—Joe Jackson

Skidmarks on My Heart—The GoGos

And of course

The Superbowl Shuffle—The Bears!


Feel Free to add your own.

How do you say Charmin in French?

Hello Canadian Charmin website! Turns out I've been going there for my Charmin Bear Bio's. How interesting.

In Canada the bears are more laid back. Probably because they have socialized medicine. I kind of wish they'd fly the Maple Leaf flag outside of their cave, or latrine or whatever they call their living space.

So here's something interesting.

Q. I’d like a Charmin Potty Training Kit; how can I order one?
A. We’re sorry, but we no longer offer Charmin Potty Training Kits. If you have questions, please call toll-free in the U.S. or Canada at 1-800-777-1410, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., EST.


At one time there was a Charmin Potty Training kit! It contained a poster, stickers and a ruler. I know what you're thinking, but the ruler was to be used to measure the correct number of squares to use.

I MUST own this ruler! Does the number of squares change depending on the contents of the toilet?

The Bear cubs feature prominantly in the booklet. Let's wrap our heads around this for a minute. Potty training bears. Bears who shit behind trees. So what exactly are you training them to do? Shit behind specific trees?

Anywhoo, when you've successfully trained your cub not to crap his pants, he gets a diploma from Charmin University.

Ah, dear old Charmin. I loved my days there as a co-ed. The football games, the dorm parties, making fudge with my suite-mates...

I double-majored, Ass-wiping and Communications. I'm ready for anything!

Over or Under, which is right?

I was so hoping that I would find the answer to this age-old conundrum, but here's what the Charmin site has to say about how to hang toilet paper:

Q. Is there a right way to hang the Charmin roll on my holder?
A. There's no right or wrong way to hang the Charmin roll. Some people prefer that the sheets roll over the top toward the front. And others prefer that the sheets roll out from the bottom toward the back. We'll leave that battle up to your household!

Let's parse this out for a second. If you aren't going to take a stand on the subject, why include it in the FAQ?!?

If you study the bear family (and why would you when I'm here to do it) you'll see that they hang their paper in the "over" position. So Charmin is in fact taking a de-facto stance on the argument.

How would you like to be the poor yutz who has to write the copy for the Charmin site? How many compromises do you make before you sell your soul for that job? It's a slippery slope. You start off with describing the efficacy of Tide on grass stains, then you move onto greasy build-up for 409, then, finally, you move onto Charmin. How many dreams of Pulitzers die with each Q&A in FAQ?

If this isn't the most inane use of the alphabet, I don't know what is:

Q. The plies on my Charmin Ultra are not lined up, it’s not tearing in the right place.
A. If the plies on your Charmin Ultra rolls aren't lining up, here's how to fix it:
- Hold the roll in front of you with the paper winding over the top
- Pull the top ply up and drop it back behind the roll
- Its perforations should match with the layer that's now on top
- Tear away the excess and you're good to go

Goldilocks and the Charmin Bears

One day Goldilocks was on a day-hike in the woods just outside of her town. She was pretty far along in her hike when the chili she had eaten the night before started to make itself known in a most unpleasant manner. Goldi began to curse that the park service hadn’t foreseen the need for a few port-a-potties in the woods when she espied a structure further along the path.

Goldi walked towards the hut and saw that it looked very house-like, in the way that things on Gilligan’s Island looked like what they were, but weren’t really functional. After ascertaining that the house was empty, she went in and explored. She poked her head through an uneven doorway and discovered a structure that looked somewhat like a toilet, if toilets were made from twigs. Even more surprising were the toilet rolls hanging from branches that jutted out from the walls.

Goldi availed herself of the ‘facilities’ such as they were. “I even have a choice of paper.” She tried the first one, “It’s strong, but scratchy, very unpleasant.” She tried the second roll, “Gosh, this sure is soft, but it doesn’t seem to be getting the job done.” She looked down and on the floor was a copy of the Wall Street Journal. “That’s weird, but it is a Rupert Murdoch publication…” And it was just right!

Goldi got up and realized that there was no running water and so left to see what else the house had to offer. “I sure am hungry,” she said, and began opening the doors of ‘cupboards’ in what had the appearance of a kitchen. A beehive fell out, dripping honey on the ‘counter’ “Oh, that’s not at all what I’d want to eat.” She said. In the second cupboard was ice cream, although it had melted. “Yuk,” she said moving into the main room of the house. Presumably to rate the furniture.

Suddenly there was a loud rustling outside. Goldi went to a window to see what the ruckus was. A wooden vehicle full of bears had pulled up outside. These weren’t ordinary bears though. They were red and blue. “Holy shit!” she exclaimed, “These bears must have been at a political rally or something.” They started coming towards the door and she ran around trying to decide between escape or hiding.

Leonard, the father bear had his paper under his arm and was shepherding the younger bears in. “Boy! That game was long. Did you like my cha-cha-cha dance at half-time?”

A young female bear, with a big pink bow on her hair responded, “Daddy, you were awesome! I wish we could go to see you every game!”

Goldi didn’t want to wait around and hear any more. She wanted out. As the bears came through their door, she climbed out the window.

Molly, the mother bear looked around her home, “Oh no! Someone’s been in my kitchen!” She moved to clean up the mess that Goldi had made.

“Mama! That’s not all,” young Dylan screamed from the library, “someone made a doody in your magazine basket! EEEEWWWW!”

Molly sighed and picked up her basket in preparation to throw it away, “People are such animals.”

Sit or Squat

Here's a nugget of joy from the Charmin site. Apparently there's an app you can download for your phone that tells you about johns in your area. I'd laugh, except that I find that really useful, what with being old and having the kind of digestive tract that can suddenly, for no reason, object to popcorn.

You must be shitting me

As a goof I went to the Charmin site. Fuck me! The bears have a names and little blurbs about themselves. Also, there's a Charmin FAQ. Really.

Here's a sample.

Q. Do Charmin Fresh Mates replace my dry bath tissue?

A. Charmin Fresh Mates give you another option. We expect that those who use the Charmin Fresh Mates will use it in combination with their regular Charmin bath tissue. So you can choose moist, dry, or both.

That must be one simple mutha who couldn't figure that out. I guess we can add the duck as a third option. Moist, Dry or feathers.

Flintstones of the woods?

So the latest commercial features the bears becoming Green, thus they drive a very Volkswagon Bug-looking vehicle complete with a wooden bumper and daisies for headlights. Have I lost my damn mind or is this the most bizarre in a series of bizarre commericals?

First of all, let's examine this. Now we have a family of bears and they do indeed shit in the woods, but they use toilet paper to wipe. They hang the rolls on tree branches and Papa Bear will actually read the paper while snapping one off.

What the hell is he reading? The Wall Street Journal? What publication is delivered to the woods? Does a boy come around on a bike and throw it at the cave, or is it sent via the mail? What's he interested in? The market? The Want Ads?

The bears, who in their natual habitat would be perfectly ecological, are worried about conserving resources and recycling and driving a hybrid, I guess, judging by their vehicle.

I think it runs on a combination of bear-power, a la Fred Flintstones feet, and batteries? E-80? Help me out here. Where are they going in their punch-buggy? The supermarket to buy more Charmin?

These commercials are full of disturbing images. Bears with flakes of paper on their asses. A friendly duck who recomends wet paper for a really good clean. (The bears could just use the duck and skip the wet paper...) Bears playing football. Bears eating ice cream. These damn bears do more fun stuff than I do!

I resent the fact that the bears have a better car than I do. I want daisies for headlights dammit!